Corporate IT Acquisitions Part 2: The (Sort Of) Touchy-Feely Version

I did not plan on making a Part 2 to Corporate IT Acquisitions: A Survival Guide, but upon a sober re-reading, I think the post came across as rather curmudgeonly and dick-ish.

Don’t get me wrong, I stand behind the post. I am not making a retraction here. But, let’s face it, I am sometimes curmudgeonly, and I am sometimes dick-ish.

But I can do touchy-feely. Let’s take some of the things I said and see if I can’t . . . assuage . . . (yeah, I LOVE that word!) your fears about acquisitions.

My disclaimer here, and I am dead serious, is that no one has put me up to this. I think Part 1 didn’t bake enough in my brain, so consider this more of an addendum where I do make some concessions and elaborate further on the dick-ish stuff I said. Also, please remember the context here is about very large, high profile acquisitions, which can be different from smaller acquisitions:

. . .

there are a lot of people who do not do well with change . . . like, at all. And these same people are 10 times worse when it comes to uncertainty, which is how we can categorize an event like this.

These people, to put it lightly, WILL FREAK OUT. To them, this announcement is literally an existential crisis for them.

Bryan Sullins

Maybe I could have been a bit more understanding here? Then again, you, person who doesn’t like change, are fortunate enough to work at a large corporation, which, yes, has its downsides, but you have to admit, it is usually good for your resumé.

Count your lucky stars and eat a bag of dicks you lucky asshole of the first world. Have some perspective.

. . . Maybe I can’t do touchy feely? Anyway . . .

“Next will be an internal all-hands meeting (brought to you by Zoom . . . or Teams . . . or Whatever) run by the C-Level assholes at your company.”

Bryan Sullins

Maybe I went a bit too far when I called C-Level Leaders . . . **looks at notes** . . . “assholes”. They are human beings with redeeming qualities of their own.

But just in case you’re thinking I said that out of jealousy, think again. Am I management material? Maybe? I mean, I was a real-deal Manager for a bit back in the 2000-oughts. Am I C-Level material? Absolutely not. A person has to know their limitations.

Then again, if you went back in time and told this rebellious and bookish high school nerd who both ditched his math classes and read Hunter S. Thompson that I’d be a Senior Solution Engineer at a Large Worldwide Corporation many years later, I would have told you that . . .

“‘Crazy’ is a term of art; ‘Insane’ is a term of law. Remember that, and you will save yourself a lot of trouble.”

Hunter S. Thompson

And then In Part 1, I also said this:

“Who will be the first to leave? It’s usually middle-manager or higher-profile types who can afford to actually have (perceived) principles about where they work.

You know the types. The ones who say stupid crap like, “I am leaving Company X because I don’t like the new direction Company Y is taking us.”

. . .

To those who say crap like, “I am leaving Company X because I don’t like the new direction Company Y is taking.” I say, “OK Che Guevarra, then go! Eat a bag of dicks and shut up about it. Who do you think you are, anyway? I say, Godspeed!”

Bryan Sullins

I stand behind the above, but let me clarify a bit:

I will concede that there is something to be said for a company that does a thing and does it well. And yes, a company does have a “culture” and a “vibe” and a “set of goals” and a “direction”. And I will concede that a change in a company’s direction can be palpable and undeniable.

But it’s my firm belief that that’s not the be all end all of why you work for a company. It’s not necessarily the company you work for; it’s as much about the people you work with. Those human connections are not for nothing (hey, people I work with now! ** winky finger guns **).

Furthermore, anyone who is able to work for a company that aligns with their values is a very fortunate individual. Most people in this country, for countless reasons, pull down a paycheck at horrible companies that do horrible things. And, these good-natured people may even be aware of those horrible things, but their choices are limited for a host of reasons.

Therefore, leaving a company with the main reason being that it’s “going in a different direction” is a bit out of touch to say the least, and you should have some perspective, you pretentious douchebag.

To drive this point home, I have had the luxury of being able to pass on some good-paying opportunities at some companies with some very bad track records. That luxury, by the way, could change for anyone most normal assholes like you and me at anytime times where normal assholes like you and me don’t get the same protections that others do.

But I don’t judge if someone takes a job there because part of adulting means that you sometimes have to do what you have to do. Sometimes, for example, it’s a stepping stone job that gives someone experience so they can have more flexibility later on in their career.

Anyway, my point in Part 1 was that the next time you want to email that Thomas Payne-esque screed on the “direction of the company” post-acquisition, or find yourself saying stupid shit like, “We shall this day light such a candle . . . as I trust shall never be put out,” just think of the poor dads or moms doing their best to put food on the table while being painfully aware that the company they work for may also be ruining the planet. They may not have the luxury to work at a company that aligns with their values.

I also said this:

“Corporate America is run by Shareholders. Shareholders are supposed to make money. And if they think a “new direction” is going to make them money, they will go in that direction because . . . fuck you, that’s why.”

BRyan Sullins

For comedic effect, I stated that C-Suite cares only about Shareholders and END OF LIST. I will at least give them more credit here in the form of a “Vision” about the “Direction” the company goes. I will at least make that concession. I must confess that I really have spent little time with people who qualify as “C-Level”, so perhaps I was a bit out of line.

However, I do stand behind the statement that they are not responsible for putting your mind at ease about your 401K or whether or not you can continue to WFH. That’s further down the command chain. Therefore, I also stand behind what I said about how they won’t address such things during their All-Hands meeting on day two of the acquisition announcement. I have been in on enough of those, I have the street creds there.

One thing is for sure: there will not be a Part 3. See you next time.

Questions? Hit me up on twitter @RussianLitGuy or email me at bryansullins@thinkingoutcloud.org. I would love to hear from you.